I'm a felon. I got charged in US District court for turning in too many used ink cartridges for store credit. That isn't actually a crime, but it didn't stop them from charging and convicting me. They offered me a plea deal where they would drop charges against my wife and send me to prison for 4-7 years for this. I said no. We took it to trial, our evidence got suppressed, their fabricated evidence got admitted, and we lost. I got 1 year + 1 day. We appealed, and lost. We're now petitioning the supreme court. I've been on supervised release for 5 years now, and continue to work and pay taxes. Everyone I know agrees this case should never have been brought, but here I post today.
I'm a highly qualified software engineer. I first started getting paid to program Macs in 1994. I'm full stack, specialize in iOS, and I'm also an expert in solar energy. I'm able to do front-end, back-end, full-stack, iOS, macOS, Android, Swift, Kotlin, React (yuck!) and more. I can pick up any technology quickly. I can pretty much write any software solution you need, in a reasonably short time, but today I'm asking you to buy pixels on my app.
My skills are highly sought after. My last job I was offered $120/hr. W2 and I turned it down. When they came back with $125/hr. everything seemed great, their enthusiasm to hire me evaporated as soon as I hit the background check phase. This is good news for you, because it means you can hire me today at an extremely competitive price.
I'm a family man. My wife and I have 1 kid (turns 4 today). I've been working hard on my app for months. We're about to run out of unemployment, and we have used up all our financial aid. We don't have enough to pay our bills through May 2018. All I'm trying to do is support my family using the only service I can provide at this point, selling ad space. Fortunately for you, this means you can get high quality advertising exposure at a competitive rate, as early as today!
I'm available for hire, but the app is available RIGHT NOW. Email me to set up a phone call. I can start working for you ASAP. My rate is extremely competitive considering what I provide and several people who have seen my portfolio have agreed that you can get an amazing deal by hiring me considering my skill set.
Full disclosure: I ripped off this site's design from ReformedFelonForHire.com. I'm sure that guy will do well with his posting. Maybe consider this approach proof that I can move your product to market faster than anybody else. Why not hire us both?